Mark Twain once said: Happiness and sanity are an impossible combination.
Let me divulge a secret that only my closest friends (and everyone my parents have told) know: I'm gay. Now I didn't come to this conclusion quickly. In fact, to be honest, I didn't come to this conclusion at all. I'm about as straight as they come. However, looking back on my dating history, I'd like to say there is a reason why I've had such bad... luck (if you can call it luck... it's mostly: I'm not cool enough, I guess). OK. The big secret is: I'm not well. I don't know why either. And if you're reading this, please, don't feel like I'm trying to tell a sob story or looking for attention, because I'm not. There's just a really cool story that needs some necessary background information.
I guess you could say it started in High School. I played basketball (mostly sat the bench tho) back then. As the years wore on, there was a pain in my lower back. I went to the doctor to find out if there was anything wrong with me or if it was something I could fix. He said: nope. Don't worry about it. It's only growing pains. I guess I should have told him that I had stopped growing, but I didn't. Pain got worse, so I went to a chiropractor. And that seemed to fix things. 'Till the MTC. 2 months of nothing but sleeping, eating, and sitting in class in terribly uncomfortable chairs does wonders to ones body. As it did mine. Back pains returned.
Being the tough guy that I am, I just rolled with it: did my best to ignore it and just work. But it only got worse. I started loosing sleep because of the pain. One transfer, I got around 3 hours of sleep per night because of it. I went to the doctor, he looked at my x-rays and said: these aren't yours.
Me: yes they are, I just took them. I cam straight from the radiologist.
Him: no. This is the back of a 75 year old. Whoever this is has advanced arthritis and will be in a wheelchair in 10 years.
Me: I promise they're mine. I was the only one there today.
Him: Well, if you want to be walking past the age of 30, you better stop playing basketball, go back to America, and get some work done on that.
Well, I didn't go just yet. There were more pressing matters on my mission president's plate than me. Two and a half years ago, I got home and have been seeing doctors ever since. Joints and muscles are in constant pain. There has been one day in the past 4 years that I can remember where I haven't been in pain. In that time, I have been diagnosed with advanced arthritis, degenerative disk disease, scoliosis, severe depression, fibromyalgia, and ADD. No treatments have worked up to this point.
A couple weeks ago, I went over to a friends house and saw a slew of bottles on his counter. Then I saw his mom adding different amounts of drops of each bottle into a shot glass, mix it with some juice, and swallow. In response to my quizzical expression, she bore her testimony of a doctor who could cure all ailments. I said: no way.
Her: yes. she gives us these herbs and they make us feel better.
Me: yeah. I have a green plant out back that makes me feel better too...
Her: I'll send you her contact information.
As I was talking to my buddy and his other siblings that are seeing this doctor, they explained what she did: She talks with your spirit and finds out what is wrong with your body.
I guess that beats what the doctors do: they talk with me, guess what's wrong with my body, give me some drugs, and say: thanks for the vacation to the Bahamas you just paid for in your last visit!
So I thought that I'd give it a shot.
She started the appointment by pressing on different parts of my feet, asking me if they hurt, and making marks on a chart. Then after that, she explained that the spirit was part of the body, and the only person who knew our body better than our spirit was God. (I'm thinking: yeah.... I guess that's right. Are we going to light some candles now, say some chants and get my spirit talking??) She then said: your spirit will not lie because it is pure intelligence. If I ask it a question, your muscles will tense up, and we will know if it is true or not. (I roll my eyes) Put your thumb and your middle finger together, making a ring, but not pressing them together. If the answer is yes, I wont be able to pull your fingers apart. (bigger eye-roll) As she continues the diagnosis, she deduces by the previously stated method, that there are different hormone-secreting glands in my body that are non-functional. She explains that one of these glands that is non-functional is usually the cause of a lot of joint and muscle pain. This was actually impressive. I hadn't mentioned any of the previous diagnoses of other doctors to her. Then she said that most doctors don't have a clue about what is going on and usually call it fibromyalgia. It's also related to depression, ADD, memory loss... by this time, my eyes have stopped rolling, and they get wide. She explains: within 6 weeks of taking this herb ______ you'll be feeling about 30% of where you should be. In 3 months, you'll be back to 100%. So I got all my potions ordered, and hope that my spirit wasn't lying.
So, if you see me in 3 months with 3 arms and a lisp, you'll know why.
